I am a neophyte mother as I have only been a part of the
sisterhood of mothers for a little over four months so when I was asked to
share about motherhood, I felt ill-equipped, much like how I felt when I found
out I was pregnant. I was excited but at the same time, I was uncertain if I
will be good enough. I also knew that just like when I learned I was pregnant,
I needed to be ready when the time came.
And the time has come.
PUSHING
By this, I just do not mean the
huffing and the puffing in the delivery room. I also do not mean pushing around
the stroller although these are all part of the job description. I mean really
pushing the limits of one’s physical strength, stamina and sanity. You see,
while babies look seemingly vulnerable and helpless, they are also a perceptive
bunch. They always know you can do more. If you have stayed up until 4 in the
morning, the baby would know you can do at least 3 more hours. If you have sung
a couple of lines, the baby would know you can do a Broadway production number
with matching shimmies. On my baby’s second month, I was trying to build my
stash of breastmilk, raise your hand if this is too much information, I will
pretend not to see you because then I would have nothing to say anymore, I
wanted to rejoice because I pumped enough milk plus some extra. The baby would
know you can still do more and would demand more milk. I have a renewed sense
of appreciation and respect for cows. Milk production is hard work.
The magic of motherhood is that it
provides you that extra strength, stamina, and sanity to always go the extra
milk, I mean, mile. My baby has taught me that the limits I have defined are
limits that I can defy.
BOUNCING
Fellow mothers would probably know
what I mean by bouncing. Giving birth makes you bounce in places you never
have. I hated it at first but now I know I just have to accept it. I mean
bouncing from a sad place to a happy place and then back to a sad place. When I
gave birth, I did not huff and puff like other mothers. I was told by many
mothers I interviewed that CS gave you the least pain. They forgot to tell me
they meant during the delivery. They forgot to tell me that the day following
the operation they will take you off the morphine and then the pain sneaks up
on you like a holdupper so upset he decided to slash you instead of your bag. I
had to bounce back right away though because my baby needed me. Also I needed
to walk to the bathroom but more than that I had to attend to my baby who had
to be exposed to billy lights because of his jaundice. I sat on a stool so low
so the baby continues to get his phototherapy as he latched. Or tried to. This
part is too much information so I will leave it as that. Sitting down hurt and
standing up with a baby was probably painful as well but at that time, I only
thought about how bad I felt that my baby is being baked under the lights.
Motherhood has been a series of
peaks and troughs. My baby has given me the opportunity to emerge as a hero
every time I bleed, feel pain, because I know I need to overcome
everything for him.
LOSING
Motherhood has taught me that it is
about losing oneself in so many ways. First I lost my collarbone, then I lost
sleep, time for myself, and then my mind, my memory, at one point, I could not
even remember my phone number. I lose my things, no thanks to the anesthesia I
got. The one thing I would not mind losing, is the one thing that I cannot seem
to lose, my weight. Seriously though, motherhood made me understand what the
true meaning of losing oneself is. My baby made me realize that my body is no
longer just mine. What I do with myself is now my baby’s business as well. When
I put myself at risk, I risk him and his future as well. In my book, it will
always be baby, husband and then myself. Not because my book is a dictionary
but because becoming a mother I have been entrusted another life. My baby
knows
this too and he makes sure that I do not forget this.
LISTENING
As a mother, developing an uncanny
sense of hearing is a must. For some reason, you just learn how to listen to
the baby and be able to interpret what it means. Nature has its way of teaching
the mother to hear the baby’s cry no matter how deep her slumber. Also, it is
impossible to ignore the cry of the baby, at least from my experience.
Something from deep inside compels me, no matter how exhausted, to get up and
care for the baby.
It’s this or the baby develops an uncanny
skill to train a mother to bend to his will. Either way, the system works.
GAINING
Aside from the weight, motherhood
allowed me to gain a renewed appreciation for my own mother. I have read books,
watched videos, attended seminars but all these did not prepare me enough for
the challenge that is motherhood. I continuously learn from experience, from
fellow mothers, and most of all from my baby. My baby continues to teach me how
to be a mother to him.
CHANGING
As a mother, one does become an
expert in changing diapers but more than wiping the baby’s bottom while keeping
his restless hands and kicking feet from getting into his soiled diaper, a
mother must struggle to handle change. My life changed when I learned I was
pregnant. From that time to this day, it has been one change after another. I
need to learn to adapt but at the same time, keep all these changes in my
anesthesia-ridden brain. I know that the sleepless nights, dirty diapers, milk
spit, cries will not be forever and one day, I will miss all these. Just four
months ago, my baby was a newborn. In a while before I know it, he will become
a toddler. If I let time do its thing, he will be a teenager before I know it.
Hopefully, by then, all the years of mothering would prepare me for that.
Motherhood to a seasoned mother, cannot be summed up in a
few minutes. I guess this is why they asked a greenhorn like me to share.
I do not know what purpose this may serve, perhaps it is a
warning/inspiration to those who are planning to become mothers, a tribute to
the mothers or an ode to those who have been around the block and back. For me,
this was a reminder that motherhood is a celebration of love and life.
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